Daddy Issues ...

A lot of unkind jokes use the phrase “daddy issues” to make a punchline out of lifelong insecurities.  Most conventional thinking attributes the ideas of daddy issues to young women inexplicably attracted to older men.  But that is far from where it truly ends.  Nearly every child of divorce has some inkling of what daddy issues entails.  And divorced or not, every child of workaholic type “A” personality go-getter dads knows what it is like to live in that shadow and possibility never live up to it.  Who you are cannot be explained in full without knowing where you come from; not just who composed your family members, but what life was like with them as well.  All of us no matter the age we recognize it, look for a degree of affirmation from our fathers.  We want that “stamp of approval”, perhaps “parental pride”, to lean on, and know it is there, and it is as solid as concrete.  Given the state of our society, I would say those of us getting this affirmation, and knowing we have it, is a good deal less than the majority of our populous.

But it gets worse ☹.  You have probably heard the expression (derived from scripture), that “we are made in the image of God”.  This tells us we tie the roots of our existence in similarity to the God who created us.  Some people say “we have a God shaped hole in each of us”.  This is meant to convey that we each seek a love that only God can provide.  No other substitute for it, no matter what level of self-gratification we try to mask that need with.  If you mirrored our local family needs of at least at some point looking for the affirmation of our earth-bound fathers – then it stands to reason we will look even harder for the affirmation of our Heavenly Father.  But there’s the rub.  Local dad can tell me he loves me, or if he is proud of me (if he ever chooses to).  But Heavenly Dad seems to have a harder time getting that message across.  We have a distance thing to deal with.  And if not the physical distance, we also have a distance between us in how we love.  He loves me absolutely.  But instead of loving others that way, I tend to heap all the love I get, right back on me (ahh the invention of selfishness).  So how could our Father God, ever be proud of me, when it is clear, my life could hardly ever be a source of pride in a heavenly kingdom (where selfishness is something long since extinct in the average heavenly heart, let alone in a God, who was willing to die for me, to show me how far His love would take Him).

I am a disobedient child at best.  Belligerent, noisy, insisting I know what I am doing, when history is clear I do not.  Any Father of a two-year-old can tell you when they are screaming and covered in poo, it is hard to pick that precise moment to state your pride in them.  I should imagine this is a dilemma God faces nearly every time He looks at me.  On the other side of that coin, any Father of a two-year-old can also tell you that sometimes even despite our bad behavior we can still look pretty cute to Dad.  Perhaps it is because we belong to Dad.  Perhaps because we are His.  Perhaps it is His love that is able to see through our shenanigans and see us for who we could be, rather than perhaps who we are.  And every dad wants to clean up our dirty; nurse the boo-boo’s; and point us in a direction where what will bring us happiness is right in front of us (instead on unnoticed by us).  The daddy issues we may find ourselves having with God, don’t come because of His lack of love, they come from us failing to realize “this” is not what was meant for any of us.  There is something so much better.  And we need to trust Dad, that He is trying to set our course on a path to that (no matter how it looks in the here and now).

Matthew in his gospel to his Hebrew contemporaries, in chapter 25, continues discussing what the second coming will be like from a readiness point of view.  The conditions we face here and how we might steer clear of paths leading in the wrong direction.  Jesus gives us a parable (a story that is), to show themes His audience would understand better.  This one picks up in verse 1 saying … “Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. [verse 2] And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.”  So call me cynical but in today’s modern age the first thing that jumps out at me is the ratio of brides to husband, ten to one, if I read this right.  My cynical mind jumps right to the unkind phrase “daddy issues”.  Why else would any bride be willing to share their husband with another bride, let alone with nine others?  But then I remember, this is a story to make a point, not a word for word endorsement of multiple-partner-marriages.

And then it also occurs to me, perhaps the Bridegroom, was the one NOT given a choice in the matter.  What? You ask.  Think about it.  Traditionally the bride(s) represent a church of some kind.  In this case we presume a Christian church.  And perhaps at the end of all things (i.e. in our modern age), there is more than “one” Christian Church who qualifies as being a bride of Christ.  Imagine that my Baptist friends, it could be that you will be sharing your virginal bride status, with our Catholic friends, and Mormon friends, and Adventist friends, and so on, and so on.  I know a good number of Christian denominations (my own no exception), that believe “they” are the only “virgin” – all the rest are sluts at best.  All of us Christians are quick to adopt the idea that our particular church is the virgin talked about in scripture, and any other church can get thrown into the “whore” category, also discussed elsewhere (and out of context).  But if Jesus was coming back to reclaim all the believers who follow Him, then perhaps He has an appointment with ten virgins instead of one, because our foolishness and pride over doctrines have left Him no choice but to find ten of us walled off from each other, each thinking we are “all that”.  When in truth, we each have only a portion of “the Truth”, too stubborn to accept that others might have other parts of “the Truth”.

Consider too, Jesus does not say the Bridegroom was coming to marry 2 virgins, 3 concubines, 2 divorcee’s, and 3 good old-fashioned prostitutes.  Instead all ten are virgins.  Which given our doctrinal differences (that cannot possibly “all” be right), it might be that the only thing that makes one a virgin is in how they truly “follow” Jesus Christ.  Not, if they have scriptural understanding perfect, or every prophecy coded down to a gnat’s behind.  But even in virginity, there is a distinction between the wise and the foolish.  Jesus tells us what that is continuing in verse 3 as he goes on stating … “They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: [verse 4] But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.”  Daddy issues again perhaps?  This time however, it is more about how we listen to Dad, than whether His instructions are clear.  Think about it, virginity is not in question.  The fact that you are bride destined to marry our Lord is not in question.  This is about whether you carry the oil you need for a moment, or whether you plan ahead for any contingencies.  It is a subtle difference.

Everybody has oil on day one.  If we were to interpret that the “oil” was a reference to the Holy Spirit, then you could assume every believer has a notion of the role of the Holy Spirit and is at least initially happy to invite Him into our lives.  But when you invite God in, He comes.  And when you invite God in, He starts changing things.  Before you even realize it, sin is on its way out, and joy is backfilling the void.  Most of us would say bring it on.  But for each of us who has some sin we are not quite ready to give up, we may not want “that much” Holy Spirit in our lives and hearts.  What if the Holy Spirit begins taking the cherished sin out?  He might knock that sin right out of our hearts before we are ready to lose it.  For us foolish virgins, we want a “controlled” measure of the Holy Spirit in our lives, not a full measure of it.  We are still too foolish as to try to give up “all” our sins, we just want most of them gone, and keep only a small few we are so desperately fond of.  And so we create daddy issues when that was never the plan.

Jesus continues in verse 5 saying … “While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.”  Yeah that is one of the more painful scriptures in the Bible, and such a clear commentary on how we various Christian churches keep dropping the ball.  It’s not so much that we “ALL” slept (the foolish and the wise).  It is that we ALL were more comfortable falling asleep from a delay in His return, than in pointing others to the light and love of Jesus Christ.  That is supposed to be the number one mission of any Christian church.  And yet, nope, each of us virgins, (insert a collective reference to yours and my church here), were all too happy to sleep on the accomplishments of our founders, than to get out there and help with the redemptive work.  That just hurts.  And it is not like we can blame this on a miscommunication from some random prophet in scripture, this is Matthew recording the very words of Jesus Christ Himself, that other gospels would seem to coordinate.  So even when our virginity is in tact (we truly follow Jesus), even when we are wise and invite a full measure of the Holy Spirit’s oil into our lives and hearts, we are still taking all that testimony and witness and sleeping on it, rather than sharing it.

The sadness continues as Jesus states in verse 6 saying … “And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.”  At midnight, that is to say, when we are deep in sleep, and completely unaware something is coming.  Or as Jesus stated earlier, in an hour when we think not.  A cry is made.  Well guess what, the cry is NOT coming from one of the virgins.  They are ALL asleep.  The cry would most likely come from an external, heavenly, or heavenly inspired source.  Perhaps there is a group of Christians who are as we speak, learning to submit to Jesus, and experiencing a level of transformation from His love, that put them outside completely of all the known churches.  Or perhaps there are so few of them, it takes an angel to get things kicked off.  Either way, every church finally wakes up, and is told to begin to go out to meet the bridegroom.  Time to kindle up that oil.

Jesus continues in verse 7 saying … “Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. [verse 8] And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. [verse 9] But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.”  The foolish virgins, by wanting to cling to a few precious sins, have let their lights go out.  But they have some idea of what needs to be done.  They go to those who embraced the Holy Spirit fully, and ask them to give them some of that attractive sin killing oil.  But the time for acquiring oil requires an education the wise do not have time to give.  The foolish must go back to basics, and figure out how to get a full measure of the Holy Spirit so they too can get out there to meet the Bridegroom.  When Daddy teaches you how to trust Him, it is not a one-day process.  It takes time.  It takes a full submission.  You must learn how to recover from bumps in the road, we bring about by trashing the victories He gives, with our stubborn failures.  It takes the humility to come again to Dad, ask forgiveness, and start the process again.  And as we go through this process, we learn what it really means to trust Dad.  The daddy issues start to dissipate.

Jesus continues in verse 10 saying … “And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. [verse 11] Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. [verse 12] But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. [verse 13] Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”  When Jesus comes, they that are ready will go with Him.  Those who are not ready, those who still cling to sin, any sin, do not understand the degerative disease they have chosen to hang on to.  It is like wanting to keep just a little bit of terminal cancer.  It is like being a cocaine addict and only keep a closet full of it (even though the rest of the house is clean).  When we cling to sin, it is a disease that overwhelms us.  It changes us.  It makes us self-centered.  And our self-centered-ness grows until that is all we really are, no matter what banner we claim as our belief system.

It will not be the moniker “Catholic” or “Baptist” that saves you in the end.  It will be whether you allowed Jesus and the Holy Spirit to wipe the sin out of you, in heart, mind, and body.  It will be whether you submitted to Jesus, and learned how to love like He loves.  When that happens you develop a passion for other people.  When you delay it, you embrace apathy for others, and love for yourself.  It leads to those horrible words coming from the foolish virgins who ask to be let it, and finding the Bridegroom saying “I know you not”.  In another parable, those words were uttered by Jesus associated with Christians who carried the name, but never did anything for the poor or needy, because they frankly did not care about the poor, imprisoned, or needy.  They were too busy in church to make time for people in need.  They were too busy performing miracles in the name of Jesus, too busy planning worship services, and offering sermons.  They did much in the name of Jesus (just not anything from a genuine love of others, only a need to be seen as great themselves).  And so Jesus says to them, I know you not.  A lack of embrace of full transformation leads to behavior that results in the ultimate of daddy issues.  It leads to losing Dad forever.

That is not what our Heavenly Dad wants.  The mission of Jesus was not to see us lose to sin, it was to see us let Him take the sin out of us.  We were not meant to live in pain, and suffer death.  We were meant to live in bliss, and know the true joy of loving others never even thinking of yourself.  The command to “Watch” by Jesus is not a veiled threat to those who understand transformation.  It means the clock is ticking, and we only have so much more time of participating in His redemptive mission to point others to the light and love of Jesus Christ.  Once Jesus returns, the clock is done.  No more time to help others.  Only time to return with Him.  Whoever we missed, whoever we did not love enough, is now a lost opportunity.  A fate no child wants to see.  And an issue for our heavenly Dad He just cannot bare to think about.  It is why He delays, desperately hoping each of us will come to Him.  The delay was not a punishment to those waiting His return, it was a desperate plea to those who could care less.  That kind of love that just does not want to give up, on even one poo-stained child, is where the heart of our Daddy is.

And the affirmation we seek from our Father, will one day come in person from Him, and forever more in person from Him.  And then, the idea of daddy issues will be gone forever.

And Jesus was not yet done trying to prepare us for His second coming …