Marriage and Original Intent ...

What do you know about Ebola?  Chances are you know it is dangerous, contagious, and left untreated, highly lethal.  It is a virus.  You don’t see it coming.  You get exposed and before you know it, symptoms like the flu, and from there it gets worse fast.  What has this to do with marriage?  Nothing.  What does it have to do with sin, on the other hand, a great deal.  Sin and Ebola have a lot in common.  Where Ebola focuses on your internal organs; sin takes particular aim at your heart.  Where Ebola begins to block the normal functions of your organs turning them into soup; sin blocks your heart’s ability to love turning it into stone, well at least to love anyone other than yourself.  Sin, and it does not matter what type you consider, is extremely effective at turning loving hearts, into rock-hard useless hearts, that no longer care about others, nearly at all.  Sin is a disease.  It is difficult to treat, and is dangerous, mostly because we take our own medical advice, instead of the One Physician who is capable to fixing us.

But why talk about sin, when the topic of this study has to do with Marriage?  Because so much of our thinking about Marriage is steeped in sin, and we are unaware of it.  Our modern day versions of Marriage are nearly as far from the original intent as possible.  We treat Marriage like the legal contract it has become in our country; enforceable by the courts, with terms and conditions like a “pre-nuptial” becoming commonplace for anyone with means.  The very idea of a pre-nup is to protect yourself against the inevitability of “failing” at marriage.  But then, if Marriage has become nothing more than a particular version of a contract, requiring the “permission” of the state to be legal, then protections like a “pre-nup” would seem to make a lot of sense.  This is especially true when the failure rate persists at close to 50% in and out of the church.  But succumbing to this definition of marriage, is injecting so much sin into our thinking, we can hardly see past it.  How about instead of these modern ideas, we try a reset.

To truly understand Marriage, we need to go back to where it was invented.  At Creation, the animals were all created male and female, and the concept of families across every specie was born.  That is every specie but ours.  Adam was created alone.  It did not take him long, to realize he was alone.  Adam began to see and sense his need.  As perfect as the garden was, as perfect as he was, as indeed all of creation was, it was still missing something.  What it was missing could not even be replaced by God in the Trinity.  Companionship with Jesus was still not enough for Adam as a singular entity.  Perhaps because Adam was created in the image of God, he felt a sense of incompleteness that only another human could suffice.  Adam needed to be able to pour out his love on someone else.  Adam needed someone he could cherish above all other forms of creation.  Someone who could give his perfect heart, a target to serve, to love, to make happy, and as God made possible, to become One with.

God allowed Adam to see this need even before Eve was created.  Once he realized it, the need was met, not using some other foreign dust, but literally using some of Adam own’s flesh, his ribs and some tissue to be precise.  At the outset, the personage of Eve was already One with Adam in that she came directly from him, through the process of God’s creation.  The creation of both people, allowed both people to pour out their love on each other, without limits, without worry, with total trust and respect.  Two caring hearts totally invested in each other.  Then to top it off, future pro-creations would occur, ONLY, by two people becoming One flesh.  The act of reuniting bodies (and souls), so that two bodies became one, of unified purpose, would result in the process of procreation.  Neither could just will it to happen, or do something alone to see it done.  It took two.  It still does.  This ultimate act of intimacy between husband and wife, brought about family, even more targets to cherish, and pour out our love upon.

And here is something to consider.  Had Adam and Eve never disobeyed God, never broke trust with God, their Marriage would have lasted eternally – no expiration date, ever.  God did not create Marriage, to be some summer thing, that ends when the world fills up with babies.  The need for marriage had nothing to do with making a quotient of babies, it had to do with meeting the need of two people to become One in heart – pouring their love out on each other, first, foremost, and forever.  Babies, and the generations that would follow, would be icing on the cake, never replace the cake itself.  The intimacy God created, He had NO intention of ever undoing.  It is a need, hard woven, into the DNA of His creation.  A need that can only be met in one way.  To ignore that, is to ignore who we are, and who made us.

So as Marriage was created prior to sin, there is no reason to think, it will not survive sin, live past the destruction of sin, and be an institution that survives eternity.  The original intent of it, was something that was to live forever.  Perfect hearts, understand the need to pour out their love, not on themselves, like Lucifer did, but on each other like God does, and like Adam and Eve did.  It is only ever the Ebola of sin that can mess that up.  Sin brings pain, and eventually death.  Neither of those things were ever supposed to be here.  Life and happiness were supposed to be our daily routine, not pain and death.  There was never supposed to be such a thing as a “widow”.  You cannot by definition have a “widow” if neither spouse ever dies.  Original intent did not account for widows.  Sin gave us that term, and the sadness of its meaning.

Divorce.  That is, the elective choice to refuse to pour out your love any longer, for whatever the reason, between two people, was NEVER supposed to happen.  Why would it?  In perfection, with people who have perfect hearts, who have never tasted sin, Divorce would be crazy talk.  It is purely coo-coo-lu-lu.  Nonsense.  Do you seriously think Adam and Eve, if they never tasted sin, would spontaneous decide to stop loving?  Do you think they would have preferred loneliness to companionship, without the ebola-like virus of sin targeting their hearts?  Nope.  Once again, original intent did not account for divorce.  It took the embrace of sin, to create that term, and the sadness of its meaning.  And you can bet, once heaven is all that is left, and sin has gone the way of extinction.  Divorce will leave with it.  Leaving behind only married couples, and families, who pour out their love on each other without limits, with total trust, respect, and unrivaled care.  The interest of husband in wife, and of wife in husband, will be so great our feeble minds, can barely comprehend it.  But in perfection, we will understand it perfectly, and prefer nothing else.  Like Adam did, as soon as he saw his need, prior to even Eve’s existence.

So as Matthew begins to write of the topic of divorce, we must remember the context, in which we have this discussion.  We must remember what was originally intended, and how far we have come from that, and why.  And we must remember, where we are heading back to, and what future lives will be like, once the Ebola of sin is gone from us forever.  It is in that vein Matthew begins his counsel to the Hebrews in chapter nineteen of his gospel, picking up in verse one saying … “And it came to pass, that when Jesus had finished these sayings, he departed from Galilee, and came into the coasts of Judaea beyond Jordan; [verse 2] And great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there.”  It begins with a change of venue from the events and teachings of chapter 18, moving to a new place, but picking right up with the healing and restoration ministry Jesus was so famous for.

Matthew continues in verse 3 saying … “The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?”  The Pharisees could not allow so many to be healed, without once again trying to challenge the authority of Jesus.  You will note the word “tempting” as they come to Jesus, with what they think is an impossible question.  This is intended as a trap, it is not good Biblical theological discussion.  For that they would have referred themselves back to original intent, and what it takes our hearts to be, to preserve marriage in a world of sin, pain, and death.  Nonetheless, Jesus has an answer picking up in verse 4 saying … “And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,”  Jesus refers us all back to Creation.  He calls their attention (and ours) to the fact that He made us all (every specie) male and female.

Jesus continues in verse 5 saying … “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”  This is actually a reference all the way back to texts in Genesis that Moses wrote when considering the beginning of our specie.  Moses wrote the words many millenia after creation, but his perspective was right on, and here Jesus affirms the cause and effect, and reasoning of what happens now, when boy meets girl, and their love drives them to be together.  Even the draw of family must be secondary to the draw of the love between them.  This is what was intended, and what still happens at the outset.

Jesus continues in verse 6 saying … “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”  What God has joined.  This is not just a momentary joining of genitals, it is a permanent joining of hearts, of minds, of souls.  Two becoming One, means that neither is complete without the other, we do not speak as one person anymore, but as two people joined as one.  We share the unity model that the Trinity provides us example of.  Distinct individual parts of a Godhead that choose to act as One, in One accord with each other.  This is the level of intimacy intended to exist in our marriage.  To inflict pain upon each other is to inflict pain upon ourselves.  Pain was never intended to exist.  It took the Ebola of sin, to give us that.  And it takes our continued stupidity of trying to fix that version of Ebola on our own, with no medical understanding of how this version works, instead of surrendering to the Master Physician, who alone can bring us peace, and restore our hearts to each other once again.  The third member of our marital unit was always going to be the Creator who gifted us with it.  Our own trinities would always have that foundation, but only if we choose it.

But the Pharisees just cannot leave well enough alone.  They have to push it.  So Matthew records the escalation in verse 7 saying … “They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?”  The cite the counsel of Moses, out of context by the way, and attempt to put Jesus at odds with Moses, even though Jesus has just affirmed one of Moses’ earlier scriptures in Genesis.  But Jesus has another answer for them, they are likely not going to like, and frankly none of us Ebola infected sinners are too fond of either.  Jesus responds in verse 8 saying … “He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.”  The dissolution of marriage stems only from one key reason, the hardness of our hearts.  We love ourselves, more than we love another, even the one we pledged ourselves to, and who at the outset of our relationship, could not imagine living without.

Once again Jesus reaffirms, even the idea of divorce, was not something that existed at creation, the idea was ludicrous prior to the introduction of the Ebola of sin.  We have gotten so used to the idea of divorce, and so comfortable with it, we forget that.  We forget, it was never intended, or needed, at creation.  If sin had never found its way into this world, divorce would have been a non-sense word, nobody could comprehend the meaning of.  As useless as poo, which is another concept we would have never experienced.  Then Jesus continues his response saying in verse 9 … “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”  This is the text that get us all twisted up, in our ideas of interpretation.

But there is a difference in perspective.  Jesus puts on a lens of original intent, and then looks at the behaviors our hard hearts are willing to embrace.  We are so casual with our eternal commitments.  We jump from one “intimate” relationship to another.  But heaven sees only the first commitment we ever made, not understanding how we would ever choose to let that one go.  If we bound ourselves to what we said, that is, to live by the vows of eternity – then anything else we do with others down the line, by definition can only be adultery (no matter what the state says is legal or not), and no matter how many papers we obtain from the church that have the word divorce printed on them.  When God says forever, He actually means forever.  He does not change His mind about loving us, just because the going gets tough.  He died to prove that point.  Even His own life was not more important to Him, than eternal companionship with you.

His disciples heard all of this, and decided better to just avoid marriage altogether.  Matthew continues in verse 10 saying … “His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.”  Imagine that.  Better loneliness, better to deny our nature, than to misuse the institutions of our creator, or find strength in the unity He advocated all the way back in the garden, when Jesus asked Eve and Adam to never leave each other’s side.  Jesus responds in verse 11 saying … “But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. [verse 12] For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

Jesus then offers a very profound observation on the condition of man, still impacted by the Ebola of sin.  We must decide, how far are will willing to trust Jesus, with who we are.  Are we willing to trust Him so far, we are willing to turn over even our sexuality to Him?  Eunichs (men unable to have sex); some were born this way, others forced into this by the evil of men, still others who would prefer it, rather than lose the Kingdom of heaven.  Not everyone was intended to be one way, or another.  The message is personal.  And it is for each of us.  The only commonality between us, is the level to which we trust our God with who we are.  Are we willing to do what Adam would not?  Are we willing to turn over our spouse to God, and trust in His wisdom.  You can bet there is going to need to be a lot of heart healing in heaven because of the messes we have made with marriages here on earth.  “Till death do you part” is NOT how God sees it.  Keep in mind, death was never supposed to be part of the equation.  But the human condition of marrying again after the separation of death seems understandable.  Yet still on resurrection day, someone will be trusting God with their heart, enough to let go, and let God decide where to look again, and when, and to who.  Do you trust God that much?  Adam did not.

For those of my gay brothers and sisters, who are absolutely convinced God has made them this way.  I will not argue with you.  I will only ask you the same cutting question, I have to ask myself.  Am I willing to turn over even my sexuality, and the love of my life, to God?  And allow Him to do with me, and with her, as He pleases, even though that is not what I might want?  If so.  God may remake me, according to His will, which may have been different than what I thought I was to be.  God may remake my marriage, perhaps dissolve it, and move it to the proper objectives, thus healing many in the process when once we walk on golden streets.  He may however, also affirm who I am, and affirm my marriage intending it for eternal longevity.  It is not what He does that matters, it is whether or not, I am willing to let Him do it.  If I am willing, then I should have no fear, for even if I am wrong now, I will be healed, and find greater happiness in Him, than I could have on my own.  It is this level of trust in Jesus, that allows us to relearn how to love.  It makes me a completely different kind of husband.  And it resets my perceptions of marriage into something I will spend eternity trying to learn more about.  It makes me want to serve my wife, not just in the now, but with an eternal eye.

It is the Ebola of sin, that warps our thinking, dwarfs our potential, and causes us to accept modern ideas of marriage that depend on state concurrence, or support even the church’s earthly perspectives.  This instead of turning back to original intent.  And seeking Jesus to become the third part of the trinity of our relationships, to provide the foundations we need, and alter how we love.  It is Jesus that softens our hearts of stone, and turns the minds of husbands back to wives, and wives back to husbands, until the two of them appear as One, to any who pay attention.  It is Jesus alone who brings this level of unity.

And there was so much more that our Lord had to say …

Widows & Orphans ...

The keenest loss in human history is felt when a marital partner of many years succumbs to the death we all dread. We were not designed for such an occurrence. It is the pure cause and effect of sin, a byproduct of evil itself, that death or non-existence must enter our realm. We were created with the idea of living in perfection forever. Our marriages were intended to last forever. Thus a union of three should never be taken lightly. The phrase “until death” is a recognition of our earthly condition, and the weakness of our loneliness upon losing a beloved spouse. It was not ever intended in the schema of heaven or perfection. Adam and Eve our original parents will one day be united in heaven to live for eternity as husband and wife. There is no reason for them to live otherwise.

What is permitted for us due to our weakened condition in sin, and the horrific environment of evil we reside in, is not necessarily what was intended for us in the light of perfection. For instance, evil brings death upon us, and there are those who are truly emotionally unable to continue the remainder of their lives alone. They need, crave, and must have companionship. So the idea of remarriage is permitted to satisfy this basic human need. It is only even considered because of the effects of evil, but because evil is part of our reality, so is death, and therefore remarriage. Evil can cause divorce as well, we will focus on that idea in a later section. For those who require a remarriage after the loss of a spouse there is neither condemnation nor judgment. But there should be a recognition that healing will be required in the world to come. Marriages remain based on the idea of 2 people and Christ uniting as one. Should a husband or wife encounter two or more former partners upon entering heaven, it will take our Lord to alter the feelings of our hearts as He sees fit to enable us to continue to live in harmony there without pain or regret or jealousy.

I believe some couples may be reunited, some redirected, some perhaps allowed to be single, there is no one answer for every person. However, the one consistent item among all those who enter heaven with cloudy prospects or commitments with multiple partners is that a healing solution from Christ will be the only way to sort out what must be sorted. Those who enter single may still find a mate, and will have the added blessing of not having to consider widowhood or divorce. Unions aligned in the perfection of heaven will remain so as it was originally intended, forever and ever, amen.

It is particularly difficult to lose a part of yourself. When facing the loss of a beloved partner, particularly when the wills have been submitted to God, and the marital relationship is richly blessed with His favor, it can be emotionally debilitating. The surviving spouse is deeply weakened by the loss. It is not for doubt of the eternal status of the missing partner. They may have every assurance that our God is faithful to save His children from their well deserved fates. The survivor may KNOW with certainty that upon the morning of resurrection their fallen spouse will rise to greet our savior face to face, and spend eternity in the perfection of heaven. This knowledge is comforting, but may not be enough to heal the keen loss that is felt in the mean time between now and that day. Widows therefore should be considered a “protected class” within the church (our community of believers).

It is our responsibility to lend aid, comfort, and love to those who have lost so precious a resource. It is our honor to help protect them from the wolves-of-the-world who would use their weakened condition to prey upon them. The sudden loss of intimacy can devastate the human soul. Again it is the reason why having Christ in the marriage is so utterly important. Only He will fully understand the loss that has been incurred. Only He has been privy to the private moments and shared experiences of the couple now parted for a while by death. Only He can offer real comfort, but only if we have learned to allow Him access to our marriages while still within them. There is great healing that Christ can offer us, when we know we can trust Him to do so. We can take comfort under His wing. We can rest and let Him do the work of protecting the survivor, and comforting those that remain after the fallen. As brothers and sisters of the widows and orphans we should take extra special care in how we deal with them.

In older less developed days, society was unkind to surviving women after their husbands passed away. Without a male provider, a female may even be left to starve. Property rights were not well developed, nor did they reflect the intentions of fairness God would have required. Selfish men made selfish laws, and as such women suffered greatly. Under this time of great duress the church was given special instructions NOT to ignore the plight of widows or orphans. Second only to the keen loss a spouse feels, is the loss a child feels upon losing a parent. Even fully grown mature adults, mourn the loss of aged parents, it is something none of us truly outgrow, prepared or not. And the closer a parent is to the source of Infinite love, the keener the loss felt by those who remain. As church family, we must remain on guard to go beyond what is expected, beyond the normal, beyond even what we may believe we are capable of, and reach out to these precious hurting souls. While we can never replace the love they have lost, we can do our best to shower our love upon them. At the very least, the hurting can know from our demonstrations, they are truly NOT alone. Christ remains with them. And as His servants, we remain at their side as well.

For those who have suffered this loss and wish to try again with another spouse, it is important to allow enough time to pass by so that not every waking thought is consumed by the lost love. That spouse can never be replaced so the goals in finding another should not be so. As each of us is unique, each relationship will be unique as well. Your loss may one day be erased in the comfort of another person, but cannot be duplicated, nor should that ever be the expectation. The valuation of people, and dating practices we have already described must be re-employed to find another mate to join the precious union of three. Love is resilient in this way. Love is healing in this way. And one day, love will be resolved as only Christ could resolve it. We can have faith and trust in Him in matters that transcend the boundaries of our lifetimes. This is the point of faith itself.

Physical Expression ...

While procreation is the natural result of physical intimacy between married couples, this was not the sole purpose for the creation of this function. The ability to bring each other joy in a way that fosters deep levels of intimacy and vulnerability and reminds us of the union which our Lord wishes to become one with us, is the primary intent of sexual expression. We were not created in order that we have sex. Rather, sex was created to make our existence and our ability to serve another in a special tri-union with God unique and special. Physical expression was designed to take us beyond the normal boundaries of unity and literally illustrate two bodies becoming one; thus the text referring to … “two becoming one flesh”.

Timing and location of our physical intimacy are two key factors in keeping romance alive and well. When the will is submitted to Christ love grows over time, satisfaction grows over time, things do not become dull, but they become invigorated. Before children become part of the equation, there is much more time available for a couple’s intimacy than afterwards. This opportunity should not be lost on things of a far lesser concern like the logistical concerns of maintaining a house, work that could be postponed, or entertainment that can be delayed. Placing proper priority on each other first, and insuring all needs are met within the relationship is important. Physical sexual expression need not always be intercourse to be rewarding, but should not be ignored in favor of lesser things either. The most important factor is to keep the goal of finding pleasure in pleasing your mate. Try not to be distracted by less important things that would subvert your goal and weaken your relationship.

After children enter a family the time available for two to become one is substantially reduced from pure logistics. Often tired parents worn out from a long day at work, and then further exhausted from efforts at home, leave both craving sleep more than contact. To avoid falling into a routine of this nature that never seems to change, it is good to take effort to schedule a break. Get a sitter, a mother-in-law, or whoever you need to and schedule a weekly date-night for your spouse. Take active steps to schedule a break in the routine. Do not let the normal demands of children, home, and work overcome a key need in the marital relationship. This takes effort and prioritization to accomplish, it will almost never “just happen”. But it is worth the effort you put forth, and it will again demonstrate to your partner that you care about their emotional needs as much as the physical and spiritual.

Sabbath becomes a most important factor in maintaining a growing marriage. It is the one day when the third part of our union is physically remembered, honored, and included in our activities. Physical intimacy is far more likely on Sabbath as time is in far more supply. Ignoring the normal demands of maintaining the home, or working, or commercial concerns frees one up to pursue what has real meaning in our lives. Physical intimacy is NOT about having one’s own pleasure, it is about creating pleasure for our mate. It is about service, not self-gratification, and as such is a wonderful way to spend Sabbath hours. On Sabbath in particular God can be brought into the mind and conversations. Talking about the source of all love tends to lead to demonstrations of love between two people. This can extend to all members of the family, but it is important to insure mom-and-dad take private time away to nurture the tri-union properly.

Satan uses every tool at his disposal to keep us focused on the wrong things, and our priorities out of whack with what would benefit us. It is easy for a parent to adopt a priority of children first, spouse second, others last. This sounds reasonable, especially as the children are younger. But in truth, the family is weakened by this kind of prioritization. A loving parent will always tend to defer priority to the needs of the children first, but that does not negate the needs of their partner. It is important not to lose focus on insuring a partner’s needs are met even though the demands of dependent children can seem overwhelming. It does not take much time to offer a caring word, alleviate a mundane task by doing it yourself, or perhaps just a quick and simple gesture of affection. When your partner knows they have not been abandoned even for those you share a common blood bond with, it makes the strength of the unions stronger, and enables both to help the children even more than originally thought.

What the mind focuses on during physical expression is important as well. Couples who have been married for a while often resort to fantasy role playing, or mental fantasizing to “keep things new”. But focusing the mind outside of your partner during physical expression is tantamount to adultery and betrayal. It does not ennoble the mind, or help you love your partner more. It has the opposite effect. It is easy for the mind to become dependent on these kinds of mental distractions in order to maintain arousal. The reason for this is that self once again becomes the centerpiece of sexual experience, rather than service. If you suffer from a history of this kind of thinking, transition from focusing on other people, to focusing on other locations. Picture your spouse in exotic locales or faraway places, keeping the mental distraction focused on your partner while creating fantasy only in the circumstances.

This is where location is also important in physical expression. Finding inventive places for physical expression can help you create memories that occupy the mind well into your future. The younger you are, the more adventurous you will tend to be in picking locations and perhaps risking exposure over privacy. But finding each other in nature can be very compelling if you can find a secluded enough location. Different cities, different geographies, even friend’s homes can provide memories to last for a lifetime. Special clothing can enhance the experience, a favorite night gown, or under clothing, can often create memories as well. Being creative can occur through a number of ways. Appreciating youth while you have it makes sense, developing creativity can and should occur at every age.

Intimacy does require a degree of privacy. Unneeded risks should be avoided. It is incredibly unwise to risk children who are nowhere near ready to encounter physical intimacy to accidently stumble across it. It is also illegal to conduct sexual activity in public places, even in your own car (unless it is parked in your closed garage at the time). Location matters, but should not precede common sense.

The biggest difficulty couples face today is the history of lies we have been fed to believe. Romance, physical interest, and stimulation need not decline over time with same partner. This happens when both parties drift away from the source of all love. The reason we need Christ in our marriages is to keep us renewed, refreshed and resilient to face what life brings us. We find peace in the togetherness. We find comfort in spite of adversity, because there is love that lives between us. The strength of our union’s from the Garden of Eden until today has not diminished. It is more than our bodies that meld together over time. Our desires begin to merge, our hobbies, interests, and entertainment choices begin to align over time. Even the most opposite individuals who have entered a marriage can find common ground that grows over time when Christ remains at their center. We must unlearn what we have learned [G. Lucas]. It is time to be led again. It is time to be recreated again. It is time we took the focus off of self in our marriages and placed it back on the Author of love. It is time we looked first to Christ and submitted our wills to Him to discover an entirely new world of possibilities in our marriages, as it should have been all along.