Dating for Dummies ... (Part 1 of 3)

The most important aspect of dating to consider is the phase or age of the person considering entering this social construct. Dating for those under 12 or 13, or perhaps better stated for children not having arrived at puberty, is less about dating and more about socialization. This kind of dating is different than 13 to 17 year olds or perhaps better stated School age dating. Next would come college age or 18 to 23 year old dating, followed by early career dating 24 to 30. Past 30 years old, most people are engaged in serious dating meaning they are looking less at socialization for fun, and more at potential life partners. Obviously there are exceptions to the goals and desires of each individual at any given age, but the general construct we discuss here should apply fairly well to whatever your desires may be presently.

There are many myths even inside of Christianity at large that have developed over the years related to dating that need to be debunked if we are ever to have longer term successful relationships. These myths include …

1.) We should only date people we would want to marry. Untrue. In any dating scenario the first goal of the experience is to sharpen our own social skills and interactions with someone who interests us. This means our first goals should be to learn how to listen to someone, really listen, and figure out where we are alike and not alike. We must learn how to talk to someone and effectively communicate our own desires, ambitions, values, and beliefs – WHILE carefully insuring we do not offend them or imply criticism in theirs. We must learn how to read non-verbal cues to determine if we are listening or communicating effectively. If you really want to impress someone, listen to them. If you want to impress them further, step out of your own comfort zone and embrace doing something that interests them, not you. In so doing you broaden your own horizons and make your own life more full, even if it is to merely reinforce your current opinions on the topic. The effort of trying is important – to you, to your own growth and viability as a dating partner.

Next it is important that we create an enjoyable experience for both parties on a date. Beyond mere effective communication, this takes active participation. It means we value the person we are trying to get to know, more than the food we eat on a date, more than the movie which vies for our attention, or any other distraction we may choose to engage in to help us become better at our social skills. The idea that anyone would even know who they want to marry, before having MANY successful social encounters with a wide variety of people is simply counterintuitive. We do not know what we do not know. Dating is a way to educate us, while we learn really well, how to read and please another person,

2.) We should only date people of like faith, or like values. Untrue. Dating is not intended to be marriage; it is intended to be for better socialization. And people do not generally wear their true values, religion, or faith on their sleeves. What someone does under pressure is a better indication of who they really are. This would take time and effort to see, it could not easily be done on a mere casual date. Just because a person shares membership in the selected denomination of your church does not mean they share the submission of their will to Jesus, as you may be doing. It does not mean you can assume you know what they think or believe on any “accepted” doctrine of your faith. With a wide variety of differences between us, you cannot logically assume we are all on the same page spiritually or at the same point on our journey. This is what the dating process helps to reveal. You should not exclude or include anyone based on a cursory review of some title they apply to themselves. This kind of narrow judgmentalism leaves only you at a loss and puts unnecessary restrictions on your potential dating pool.

to be continued ...