Physical Morality ...

So are there any types of sexual conduct or physical intimacy which should be considered immoral? Yes in point of fact, but probably not based on what you have learned to date. What destroys intimacy in a marriage becomes the definition of immorality for that couple. Stated another way, my self interest cannot be allowed to become my motive in seeking, or focus in performing, sexual activity; at least not without the sacrifice of my morality. The feeding of self, leads to the destruction of the individual, and the decay of the couple.

Perversion could be defined as Satan’s attempts to destroy the foundation of marriage - intimacy. Perversion is the process of inserting self gratification at the center of our sexuality. With it, come ideas that make less and less logical sense, while stimulating more and more the baser passions and animal lusts that humans have the capacity to embrace. Satan relies on the chemical alterations that occur in our brains to permanently disfigure our sexual appetites, and more often than not, he is not disappointed. Men and women live lives where self gratification has been the core motivating principle when thinking about sexual exploits. This thinking warps the mind and the appetites so that what might have been considered weird, becomes normal. And there is NO limit to the degradation cycle this can lead to. There is no thought of intimacy in this regard, and all of this baggage will be brought into a marriage. Sooner or later, the impacts of living with this thinking will take a toll on the marriage relationship.

The trick then, is to find a way of escape from the lives of self-centered thinking we have embraced to this very day. If perversion has found its way into our sexual “norms”, we will be blind to our own misgivings. We will not be looking to change what we consider to be normal behavior. So as with every other aspect of our lives, we must again come to our Savior. To cleanse the self from our sexual thinking, we must submit even our sexuality to our Lord. What we want, may not be what is right for us, or what is tolerable to our partner. But our goal is not to change the thinking of our partner, or to convince the Lord we have a point, our goal is to find joy in the sacrifice of self, and the adoption of service as our primary motivation once again. As we submit our sexuality to our Lord, He will patiently undo the damage we have done over the years. Some things will begin to lose their appeal, while new things will begin to seem exciting once again. This is the process of healing we experience throughout everything in our lives, but perhaps nowhere more poignantly than in our sexual experiences.

As love must be a choice, so intimacy must be a choice as well. You cannot force someone to love you, nor should you ever believe you can force intimacy to occur in a marriage. The idea of rape then, is completely negated by this thinking. Care and concern for your partner’s needs above your own, preclude the idea of forcing sexual behavior. A couple who have achieved intimacy understand this is impossible. It is only where self still rules the lower brain, that forced sexual conduct seems acceptable.

Intimacy then requires the consent and effort of equals. You cannot achieve intimacy with someone who is incapable of returning the level of maturity and effort you invest. A child and an adult for instance, are not capable of achieving intimacy as they think about this concept differently. The child seeks a parental protection and reassurance, whereas the adult seeks a partner of equality. It is only where self is still in charge that the idea of dominance, manipulation and control seem acceptable forms of sexual expression with a child. Those with diminished mental capacity may find intimacy with each other as equals, but not with fully capable minds and hearts. It is only the effects of perversion that would consider a pairing of great inequality or that of beyond our own species to the animal kingdom. These kinds of ideas reflect an abandonment of the goals of intimacy, and an adoption of the “norms” of perversion.

Oral expression is often debated in purely conservative circles as to its implied morality or lack thereof. Indeed it is conservative thinking that pioneered the idea of the missionary position as the only one acceptable to God. This is of course counter to everything we know about God’s creation and creative process. Look at the variety in our world around us. No two snowflakes, fingerprints, retinal scans, or DNA strings are identical – almost infinite variety in creation – and yet somehow we are going to pigeon hole God to one acceptable position for intercourse? Crazy. In short, there are no unacceptable positions for intimacy, and no acceptable positions at all for selfishness. Where couples find joy in the intimacy of their bedrooms serving each other and making each other happy, God Himself can be found. For He is always there. To say that our mouths are not intended to express sexual joy, is to deny the most fundamental expression of love itself – a kiss. Intimacy is about why we do what we do, more than even about what that is.

We were not originally designed with waste disposal as a bodily requirement. Our original diets and pure foods were completely converted into the energy our bodies needed, without waste at all prior to sin. But with the embracing of evil, decay in human physicality became a norm we must live with. Thus our waste disposal systems were activated. Sadly, given their proximity to our sexual reproductive stimuli, men have been given to confuse one with the other. While this makes no logical sense, it has none the less developed over time to become almost socially acceptable today. We have been undeterred by the inherent health risks of exposing parts of the body with no natural defenses to areas where human waste is produced. This is not sensible, nor practical, and the long term consequences should be enough to deter us from thinking this was a good idea. But some persist to the detriment of themselves and their partners. Perhaps when we return to the perfection we were designed for, the absence of human waste may make exploration of this area more viable, but for now, we should respect our condition, protect our health, and avoid what simply does not make sense. As with all things, when we submit our will to the Lord, He can direct us where He wants us to be.

With intimacy as the goal, sexual situations beyond a committed couple would not be considered. Groups, even of equals, do not seek the service of others as their primary goal. In general, toleration of this kind of sexual thinking is all about increasing the intensity or frequency of orgasm. The concept of open marriages involving voyeurism, or third party participation, is focused first on physical stimuli, last on deep vulnerability. Finding harmony between two people is difficult enough and requires submission of the will to Christ to even begin to achieve it. Harmony beyond two people to three or more is simply impossible, as it distorts the image of intimacy marriage was supposed to teach us about God. Being out of His design, we cannot expect Him to accomplish a perfect merging of purpose and intimacy between larger groups of people. His original design was one intended to offer us the best portrait of a perfect union of three where God Himself was at its core or center. We should aspire to maintain the model He setup.

Intimacy requires commitment. Not the kind of commitment that is made casually, or will fade at the first sign of disagreement – no intimacy needs the kind of commitment that intends not ever to be broken. Sexual expression then without the confines or protection of marriage destroys our ability to find what intimacy truly means. It damages what is supposed to be a fragile part of ourselves, a delicate piece of our humanity intended to be sheltered from the evil this world would perpetrate. We often refer to the “innocence of a child”. This sentiment is drawn largely before a child becomes sexually active. Lack of intimacy, and the prevalence of perversion, makes us think that once sexually active, all traces of innocence disappear from the child. But if we protect that most private part of ourselves until safely able to share it within a marriage, we maintain a state of innocence that God intended us to dwell within. The baggage of sexual history many bring to a marriage serves only as a curse, never as a benefit. It is inexorably linked to a focus on self gratification and trains the mind to pursue this course whenever sexual thoughts arise. Satan feeds this beast ideally until it destroys us completely. But God would offer us freedom from our past, and protection from our future, with the simple act of allowing Him to do so.

Many are deceived to think that even while in a committed marriage, love for another may yet arise. Since we believe God is the author of all love, we naturally assume He has given us love for this other person, and are then free to pursue an extramarital relationship, be it romantic or physical. The idea that one can love more than a single committed partner is inherently illogical. If pleasing our spouse is our first priority, then destroying the trust we have with them could never be in “their” best interest. If we already are committed to a spouse, we could never offer another the level of intensity or prove through our actions we are worthy of trust. Thus no relationship in our lives could truly be called intimate or even true love. It is false love. It is a chemical attraction and accompanying good feeling pheromones that distort our judgment and intend to wreck our lives, and the lives of many others in our circles. The only love demonstrated by the cheating heart is sent facing the mirror. We lie to ourselves, to our partners, to those who would accept less of us to have some of us. It is deception designed to destroy and it is remarkably effective.

The world presents extramarital sex as offering benefits to your marriage. It recites well rehearsed lies such as “adding spice” to your sex life. But the spice is anthrax, and the results are terminal. Premarital sex does not make one a better lover, it makes one a worse lover. Instead of learning how to give, and honor only one, we learn only how to take, and move on quickly. There are no benefits to seeking sexual expression outside of the confines of marriage. There is only destruction painted with shiny wrappers and pretty bows. But the presents we think we can have contain desolation waiting to annihilate entire families, damage children perhaps irrevocably, and cause pain to all who care. It requires great forgiveness to move past a betrayal of this fundamental core. It requires a master creator God to recreate a worthy heart within us, where now rests only a dead one made of stone. But He has repaired worse. While we have hope in His skills, we would do better to heed His council and avoid the need of forgiveness.

To be moral in our sexual expression is to seek the happiness of our partner for our entire lives. It is to put their needs above our own. It is to honor the commitments we make and the relationship we have asked God to be the center of. To be moral is to be logical, to be willing to change what we do not even recognize requires a change, and to bend our stubborn will to His own. This is the basis for morality in our marriage. And the only way we have of achieving it, is to accept the gift of it, He would give us.